Not much to say about this one. I found it in a random journal of mine and was instantly drawn back and reminded of a version of me that was a little more optimistic and youthful in his outlook on the world. A version of myself that I sometimes struggle to be. It is not that I am necessarily a nihilist now as my youth grows shorter by the day, but nihilism is nonetheless an undesirable facet of my life now. I struggle with it and fight it off most days as best as I can, but in the end it is the belief in the beauty of brokenness described below and the overcoming of fear of self that I have faith will win the day. And truly it is in the light of hope and of love in which I am guided to a more blossoming tomorrow.
As I walked out from all those who were still mourning I began to feel utterly bizarre. Clarity… such clarity as I soon became unable to distinguish my voice from one now gone. I knew now what was wrong. Honesty, true honesty. That at first I wasn’t even sad about his passing. Part of me can’t help but feel awful about that, but it was true. No, I was just afraid. So afraid that without him I would have to see what I wished so dearly not to, all that I was and wasn’t ever to be. But… But I’m not scared anymore. For the things that scare us most usually aren’t quite as frightening as they may seem. And though they seem terrifying to us at first, as we work through them little by little, their horror soon fades from sight. We then come to see that what we were in fact scared of was ourselves and who we believed ourselves to be. That we were scared to be let down for we thought ourselves deserving of such. We were scared of being hurt because we ourselves are hurt. We were scared of being alone because deep down we thought we were. But this must not be for I… we are so beautiful in our brokenness, our fallibility, and fault. We are the young and the troubled and it is ourselves that we fear most. But when love… when it comes and we finally share it with ourselves all our fears… they do fade and anxious hearts in bliss are remade.