It was in these brief moments that I felt the currents of my life flowing. Flowing and dancing across the river's bed. My eyes were closed to the world, but in new sight I saw the fondness of love. Light and darkness birthed one another and I was no longer alone. No longer alone for I knew when I opened my eyes she'd be there.
She had been holding my hand the whole time that I was stuck there lying in that bed. Crying while I laid there still. Reading me my favorite short stories even though she knew I wasn't there to listen. Talking to me about all we were going to do once we got out of here even though there was no guarantee that we would. She sat there loving me even when I wasn't there to love her back. And when my eyes finally opened there she was smiling. Smiling at me with so much joy.
"Hey there stranger." She said.
"Hey..." I said as I looked at her somewhat confused.
As much as I wanted to tell her I loved her, that it didn't matter why I was here, there was something else I had to do first.
As I scanned my gaze across the room somewhat frantically I finally returned my eyes to her.
"Hun," she said, "Hunny are you ok?"
It took everything in me to withhold my laughter, but I managed to cock my head slightly to the right and produce a hazed gloss over my eyes.
"Hunny, it's me Karen. Hun... you goddamn asshole!"
I guess I wasn't able to hold it in any longer. She saw me smirking or something and it must have given it all away.
"Hey there stranger." I said.
"No." She said. "I've been losing my mind the past week and when you finally wake up the first thought you have is to fuck with me. Why do I even... Why..."
"Babe you know you're gorgeous when you're flustered."
"Shut the fuck up. You know I look like a hot fucking mess right now."
"I don't know maybe it's whatever is in that IV, but you might be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
"Shut up... just shut up."
"Don't babe me. I thought I lost you and I thought..."
"But you didn't. You couldn't if you tried."
"Well maybe I'll try a little bit harder next time."
"Babe this wasn't your fault."
"No it wasn't. It was mine."
"Don't say that..."
"We can talk about this later babe. Just let me look at you for a while. Just let me look at you."
No one ever said loving someone was easy. No one who truly ever loved anybody at least. Love, contrary to popular belief is... Well it's fucking violent. At least it was for us in that moment. That blissful moment when I was drawn from deep sleep and thrust into the truth of such violence. A dreamless slumber ruptured by a strong haymaker to my upper left temple.
"You motherfucker," she yelled.
"You motherfucking piece of shit," she screamed as the onslaught continued.
I'd like to say I was present in such a way to see the beauty that fueled her anger. That I witnessed the love that hid behind the fire in her eyes. The immense care that subsisted beneath the vehemence of her scream. But in all honesty I was more consumed with the horror of that moment and the ever present fear of pissing myself uncontrollably. A horror and fear that produced shrill sounds that no grown man should ever have to make in the company of others.
"That's right scream you lil bitch boy!" She howled as her fist made contact with my right collar bone.
Yup that was it. I was a lil bitch boy. She surely wasn't wrong about that. I had been a lil bitch boy from the moment we first met and I was finally getting the ass whopping that I deserved. But even though this may sound odd given the noises I was making and the piss I was so desperately trying to contain, but I was now more in love with her than I had ever been... It was as if each strike tore away yet another layer of my cowardice. A cowardice that had kept my love buried so deep for so long.
I know it must sound terribly odd and maybe that's because it truly is, but I was in love in that moment. And even though an ass beating is an odd and kinky occasion to fall in love, it was our moment through and through. For what is love that knows not terror. And if it was so that love was her purpose and terror was her stay, I was more than willing to receive the delights of her rage.